I dread the moment that the client loses faith. As the reality of their situation soaks in, they begin to believe that they do not have the ability to make the needed change, to confront the overwhelming obstacle, or to charge up the troops for battle. This moment is full of grief. My client feels defeated; they believe the task at hand requires someone more worthy, though a quick look around does not reveal a suitable replacement.

During the coaching conversation, the client appears exhausted, cloudy, and depressed, and they have begun to isolate. The coach tries to encourage, to empathize, to cajole, and may even try to call down lightning to bring the dead back to life. The worst moment comes when the coach buys into the failure. The coach agrees with the client—“You are not the one.”—and the coaching moves toward planning an exit strategy.

The Client Buys In to a Failed Identity

One client leads a division of a large, competitive organization with strong talent and a large budget. As in many organizations, she did not rise to management due to her incredible leadership competence – she rose due to her technical competence. Like many leaders, she longs to serve the division well and to help her employees thrive. Sadly, try as she might, her employees are not thriving and instead are writhing under her leadership. This situation is far too common.

Often, their unstable identity as a leader begins to collapse. The team is experiencing more pain than gain. The leader starts to regularly communicate a feeling of being “stuck.” The client is not trying to be difficult, but they are beginning to believe that their situation does not allow for good leadership, specifically they believe that either the difficult cultures or the difficult personalities on their team are impeding their ability to lead.

The belief gets darker as the client loses confidence. Their lack of ability to galvanize a team around a clarified goal becomes clear, and they question their worthiness as a leader. They are not as strong, decisive, empathetic, or communicative as needed, and there is no sense of rootedness that they could ever be the kind of person who can lead well. They see two possible paths: continue to fail or lose the rewards of the elevated position.

The Coach Buys In to the Failed Identity

The client is responsible for setting the coaching agenda, but the coach must be careful to not always accept the first agenda presented. The client does not always consciously know what they want. While a part of the client’s brain may be screaming for the safety of stepping away from the situation, their deeper, more resilient character may sustain them enough to create an agenda of growth. 

The keys to coaching identity are building the client’s character and virtue. At these junctures, the client needs to explore “What kind of person am I?” Beneath the anxiety, beneath the shame lies a human being created in the image of God, designed to grow and adapt, and able to mature and succeed. Strong belief is only found in people with deep character. The secret is that a coach can help a client deepen their character.

In my earlier coaching days, when I saw a client’s confidence waning, I would try to lend some of my own confidence to my client. I have often thought, “I have enough confidence for the both of us!” Of course, this is not true. When this happens, the coach is confirming the client’s identity assessment: She is not a leader. The coach has bought into her failed identity.

A Better Way to Coach a Struggling Leader

Leadership is grown by deepening character and expanding competence. The coach needs to have an unwavering belief that performance comes from development and that everyone can be developed. That belief is developed from growing our character and developing our own competencies. 

[God] handed out gifts of apostle, prophet, evangelist, and pastor-teacher to train Christ’s followers in skilled servant work, working within Christ’s body, the church, until we’re all moving rhythmically and easily with each other, efficient and graceful in response to God’s Son, fully mature adults, fully developed within and without, fully alive like Christ. – Ephesians 4:11-13 (The Message)

A Christian coach believes all of this. People can mature and develop. They learn to work rhythmically and easily with each other. From a faith perspective, our job is to draw this out of our clients. The coach points the client to the truth: We all have the potential to work well as a team. Coaches must help the client see the reality of their own level of competency and then create a plan for growth.

Conclusion

The defeated client will not be buoyed by our encouragement or confidence. Instead, they must be given safe passage into the depth of their own character. There, they will find the state of their own character, which can both be repaired and remodeled. Resilience comes from within; it is never imparted.

As the coach sees the client’s identity collapse, they take the client to the foundational exploration of character. The coach has a mindset of gentle persistence and deep wisdom. The client feels safe and begins to rise to the difficult occasion. To achieve this, the coach must be committed to their own foundation of developing character and competence.

The coach may be the only one who is able to make observations concerning the client’s character and competence. We come alongside them in a manner that is comforting, challenging, and helps our client develop a plan to grow into a capable person with a strong stable identity. Then, the client will be ready to face the difficult challenges of their organization.